Internet dating has been in the news this week. The Guardian asks, “Is it destroying love?”; Time Magazine wonders: “Does it make it harder to find The One?” I can speak with some authority on the subject because I met my husband through a dating website.
Our story was deemed remarkable enough for a leading newspaper and monthly magazine to print articles about how we met – mostly because we are an “age gap” couple; I was 50 and he was 29 when we got together almost five years ago.
I had been dating for six months before I received a message from Andy on My Single Friend. I had no expectation of finding The One – in fact, I was much more focused on having fun and meeting interesting younger men.
He pretty much cyber-stalked me, having searched the site for women of a certain age. He became a member purely to send me a message but his intention was to find an older women to date; he certainly wasn’t looking for a wife.
The fact that we ended up getting married doesn’t have anything to do with meeting through a website, although there is little chance that our paths would have crossed in any other way.
I put it down to the time being right for us both (without us being conscious of it), and the inexplicable magic of knowing that you have met your match. I experienced this as a mixture of familiarity (I felt I’d known him for ages even on the first date) and a feeling of inner certainty that came from a part of me that transcends my ego.
A couple of my friends are making their first forays into internet dating and have turned to me for advice. What I’ve told them is the following:
1. Let go of any expectation. Even though most dating sites make you answer long lists of questions about yourself and your ideal match, there is little to be gained from weighing down your dates with expectation – especially whether or not they are going to be a potential long-term partner.
2. Be honest about yourself – and be authentic. Don’t big yourself up, but then don’t do yourself down either. “I’m just a normal girl really” just won’t cut it.
3. Talk about your values. You might think it’s all about sexual chemistry, but you’ll have a much better chance of forming a lasting relationship with someone who shares your values.
4. Take care of yourself. Don’t give out your phone number willy nilly, don’t arrange to meet anyone you don’t have a good instinct about – and when you go on a date, make sure at least one friend knows where you are going.
5. Relax and have fun. If nothing else, internet dating should show you that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and many of them will find you attractive. If you’re not enjoying it, or you feel emotionally fragile, don’t do it. Treat it as an exciting experiment!
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