I’m currently writing my third book*. It’s about language and the powerful role that words play in creating our reality and the stories we tell about ourselves.
I’ve curated a list of words that have had an impact on me at various stages of my life, and used them as gateways in order to explore how language affects us in positive and negative ways.
And I recently had a wonderful conversation about some of these words with my friend Rach Allen, which you can hear as part of her excellent podcast series 40 for Tea.
After listening to the podcast, I felt… flooded. We went through the gamut of emotions in that interview. It starts out joyful, uplifting and fun, and then we do a deep dive into grief and the power of the breath. And now that it’s out there in the world for anyone to listen to, I’m feeling quite vulnerable.
It makes me realise that, even though we talk so much about the importance of authenticity and being your true self, it’s not easy when you make yourself that visible.
I spoke about some profoundly personal things, which I was willing to do, but I’m left feeling slightly exposed, and wondering if anyone is going to judge me, particularly about the part of my life (back in my 20s) that involved me playing the role of a dominatrix. (Please note, I was never an actual dominatrix – I just liked to dress in rubber and leather!)
Do I really want people to know that about me? Well, the answer is still yes, even though I don’t talk about it that much these days. It’s so interesting how easily we can be triggered into a shame spiral. But dominatrix is one of the words that I write about in my book, so I do want to talk about it.
I guess what’s happening is that I’m judging myself. The book has given me another opportunity to re-examine my life. At the moment it’s in the safety of my room, because no one has read the book yet.
I realise that perhaps one of the reasons my first book has never been published is because it tells the story of a very hedonistic time of my life when I made lots of mistakes and didn’t always behave wisely, and I’m not sure I was ready for the world to read about that.
So here I am, having done this quite revealing interview, waiting for feedback and hoping for a positive reaction, concerned that I might have opened up too much.
Having said that, talking publicly about such private and personal things is one way of connecting with the emotions around them. The fact that I’m feeling like this means that there is still an emotional charge that needs to be released. And I know exactly how to do that…
Thankfully, a friend listened to the podcast and sent me some kind and supportive words. She said she was “touched and enlightened” by our conversation, appreciated my “raw honesty” and was moved by the personal experiences both Rach and I shared around grief.
I always say that, if telling your story touches just one person, it was worthwhile. So, my conclusion is that opening up in this way has definitely been worthwhile!
And now I will retreat to the safety of the page, and continue writing my book. My latest word? Invisible…
I’d love to know what you think of the interview. It’s available now on Apple and Spotify or via the podcast website: http://www.40fortea.libsyn.com
*The first, a memoir about my time as a music journalist in the 80s, remains unpublished; the second, about the power of storytelling, is still available on Amazon (a snip at £2.99).
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