It’s a conversation you probably have several times a day. Except it’s not really a conversation at all.
“Hi, how are you?”
“I’m fine thanks. And you?”
“Mustn’t grumble!”
You’ve scored points for being polite and sociable but none for content or meaning. And if you don’t really feel fine at all, and actually you’re masking depression or sadness, you’ve undermined your self-worth too. I can’t count the number of times in the past that I’ve told a colleague or acquaintance – or even a good friend – that I’m fine when I’m dying inside.
However, at the opposite extreme, if all of us went around speaking the unadulterated truth at all times, that wouldn’t work either. The wheels of civilisation would probably fall off quite quickly.
But there is a middle way, and that is to accurately communicate our reality without a hidden agenda or tripping off into an extended story. How might that conversation go?
“Hi, how are you?”
(Pause while you take a moment to check in with yourself.)
“Thanks for asking. Right now, I feel tension in my shoulders, I’m preoccupied about a situation at home, I feel a little anxious and slighty sad. And you?”
“Sorry to hear that, I hope you work things out. I’m not so good myself. My knee is hurting, I have a job to do this afternoon that I’m dreading, I’ve got butterflies in my stomach and a slight headache too.”
All that’s happening here is that two people are describing what’s real for them – emotionally, physically, psychologically – in the moment. It doesn’t involve blame, it doesn’t involve judgment, it doesn’t involve telling someone the ins and outs of a personal situation. All you are offering is information, and all you want is to be heard – not fixed or offered solutions.
This is clean communication, but we’re just not accustomed to speaking our truth. Perhaps it’s too much to expect work colleagues to behave like this but it would certainly be a good and healthy practice to do with friends or partners.
Make a commitment, when asked how you are, to describe your reality without any expectation of the other person doing anything for you in return. Simply allow them to bear witness.
It might feel strange at first but you’ll probably find it deepens your connection. Speaking your truth with discernment, respect and tenderness is liberating. Try it and feel the difference.
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