I used to believe that I wasn’t an angry person. That I didn’t “do” anger. I avoided loud people, rarely had arguments and condemned aggression.
Anger did not fit into my self-image. No, I was the nice girl – calm, balanced, sensible, controlled, reasoned, a people-pleaser. All sweetness and light. Except that I wasn’t. A covert hostility lurked beneath the surface, which manifested itself in cutting remarks, quick wit and sarcasm.
I was conflict-averse so instead of confronting situations, I withdrew and allowed resentment and hurt to build and fester – never realising that this was simply anger in a different form.
In order to maintain my poise, I had to bury a lot of poison. During my “nice” phase I would be shocked if someone said I seemed aloof, or that they wouldn’t dare cross me. I had become so disconnected from my anger that I was totally unaware it was there. But it must have been leaking out because others were picking up on it.
I projected my inner mean bitch on to others, attracted friends who either vomited their anger everywhere, sat on it and glowered or just got depressed, and stayed stuck in my “nice” persona.
It took a tough teacher to get me to start owning my anger. I realised I had to give myself permission to feel it, and when I’d done that – in a safe space – I was able to connect to my rage. Only then did I understand what had been keeping me from it – a fear that I would not survive, that it would destroy me.
Connecting with that red energy doesn’t come naturally to me so I know I have to work at expressing it in a healthy way. But I’m now able to get into my anger – to rant and rave and shout and scream in an appropriate, contained space – without projecting it on to other human beings.
In fact, I’m so good at it now that when I go into a full-on rant people who don’t know me say: “I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you.” Until I tell them that there is no “wrong side” of me – that by doing this work in a safe space I will be less likely to be a scary mean bitch out in the world.
But I do know that maintaining a connection with anger allows me to use the energy in a constructive way and allows me access to my vitality, passion and creativity. For all those women (and some men) who were told it wasn’t nice to be angry, that good girls must be quiet, getting in touch with your rage can be amazingly liberating. Just make sure you do it in a way that is safe for you and for others, or you’ll scare them half to death…
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