What did your 2020 smell like?

I’m no stranger to the process of reflection. The personal development training I’ve done over the years has taught me to reflect every day on what went well, what didn’t go so well, and what I’d do differently next time.

But Rach Allen’s questions were deeper than that. She invited me to reflect on the past year – particularly the period after we originally spoke last July for her podcast 40 for Tea, which aims to have 40 cuppas and conversations that explore what it means to be human in this new decade. You can listen to our first conversation here.

After the podcast was released, I wrote a blog about how vulnerable I felt sharing such intimate details of my life, even though I’m usually the one encouraging people to speak their truth and share their personal story.

However, having recovered from my vulnerability hangover, I was ready for the follow-up. This time around, we focused on four clear questions. This is what I typed as I was thinking about how to answer them.

What did 2020 smell, taste, sound like?

For me, the smell of 2020 was of the fields and woods surrounding my home in Amersham, Bucks, and also my brother’s garden. I spent the first lockdown at his house, so I became familiar with the scents of the fairy grotto in his back yard.

The taste of 2020 had to be the endless cups of PG Tips I consumed, and the cups I made for my brother during lockdown. That smell reminded me of the small act of kindness those cups of tea represented, as I became teamaker-in-chief at my brother’s house.

The sound of 2020 – mostly ambient music playlists on Spotify. But there was one song that I couldn’t get out of my head last year – Video Games by Lana Del Rey. I discovered it via a cover version by my favourite drag queen, Trixie Mattel. I love its gorgeous melancholy, gothic drama and message of hope about love: “They say that the world was built for two/Only worth living if somebody is loving you/And, baby, now you do…”

What did you learn?

I learned that I can thrive in solitude and within a very small social circle (a few friends and close family). I learned that it’s possible to be creative in a crisis (I finished the first draft of a book in the first lockdown). I learned the importance of giving yourself the space to grieve (after my mum died last September). I also learned the importance of building and maintaining relationships, even if they’re only virtual.

What did you let go of?

This one is tough to write down – but I finally let go of my youth. Externally, anyway. When you lose an elderly parent, you stare mortality in the face. Then you look at your own face. You become painfully aware that you’re the next in line. I’m 64 now – I can’t rely on looking youthful any more. It’s hard to come to terms with, especially if, like me, you’re single… but now it’s more about what’s inside than the facade. (NB: Yes, but you can still use filters! And this silly Instagram app thought I looked 23…)

I’ve also let go of any lingering desire to have my first book published. I finished writing it (a memoir) 15 years ago, got myself an agent, who then spent 18 months trying to find me a publisher. When that didn’t work out, I put it on a shelf for years, until a former colleague mentioned it to a publisher she’s scouting for and I got excited again. As it happened literally days after my mum died, I thought maybe it was a sign from the universe and that I had been blocking it from going out into the world because I didn’t really want her to read it… But then, after a few months, I got another “thanks but no thanks”. I doubt I’m going to try again! *

What wisdom are you taking into 2021?

The first isn’t a new gem of wisdom, just the reinforcement of an existing one – that I am resilient and bounce back quickly after a challenge or crisis. The second is that I have the ability to touch people deeply with my writing. I think the loss I experienced in 2020 has peeled off a few more layers and I’m able to connect with my own emotions – and therefore other people’s – more easily when I write. That’s certainly been reflected in the comments on social media and my website.

As I review my answers now, I stand by most of what I typed – except letting go of publishing my first book. I’ve already started to reconsider that decision – and maybe wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been encouraged to reflect in this way.

So thanks, Rach – they’re great questions. What did your 2020 smell like?

You can listen to the full 20-minute conversation with Rach here (or on your favourite podcast app).